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Anger and vengeance affect the outcome of your divorce
- AuthorChristopher Myles
This is an excellent article by Mary S Brock and well worth reading. The Family Law team at Crombie Wilkinson Solicitors can provide you with help and advice if you are separating or going through divorce. We have specialists who can help you with family mediation, making arrangements with your ex-partner about your children, finances, pensions, assets and other matters relating to your separation. Contact a member of our team at any of our offices in York, Selby, Malton or Pickering for friendly, helpful advice.
Take some time to contemplate how anger and vengeance works in your life. Are you ready to let these intense emotions go? Take it step-by-step.
Mary S. Brock is author of "Etchings On My Mind," a book of poetry, which expresses emotions, thoughts, and concerns about many issues in life today.
It is human nature to become angry when someone does something to you that you feel was wrong, or that you did not deserve. However, you must take all things into consideration when harbouring your anger. It could excel to dangerous levels of destruction.
At age 60, I have witnessed many incidents where people allowed their anger to take control of their lives. They become totally different people; insensitive to the feelings and needs of others. Their goal is the only thing they see. In many cases, it ends up affecting their mental and physical health.
Stress plays a huge part in health problems of the people today. Vengeance can be very stressful. It can gradually take over your sense of reasoning and display of love for family members and others. It eventually controls your daily activities. A state of selfishness is created, directing your every move towards pay-back and destruction of your target. Rational thought is abandoned. Judgment is clouded. You ignore all signs of self-destruction.
Yes, vengeance does hurt your entire family. It causes you to overreact negatively to minor issues within the family. You become insensitive to the immediate needs of your family members. Your state becomes obvious to your spouse, children, and other family members. This causes them stress, because they begin to worry about you. They feel helpless, because they see how it's devouring you; and in some cases, you won't even admit there is a problem. They are concerned, because at this point you are detached from the family circle.
Your children begin to show their stress due to the situation, at school. They have mixed feelings. They feel hurt, left out, and angry, because you don't see what it is doing to them. Their grades begin to drop. They become moody and withdrawn. They isolate themselves from others.
What if you do accomplish your goal of hurting the person you felt that hurt you? Now that you've done that, "What now"? My point is: Was it worth the destruction of your family, and the misery it caused? Was it worth what is sometimes irreparable damage to your health?
You must try to correct the problems that your anger and thoughts of vengeance caused. The healing must begin. You go back to living: observing everything and everyone around you; being sensitive to the feelings of others; showing that you care. It's like being born again. You can see past the enclosure that you created. You must try to repair the damage done to your children and recreate the family circle.
You must learn that you cannot directly control what others do, or how they feel about you. You can only control how you react to what they do or feel. Your reactions can change how a person treats you; both positively and negatively. You must also analyse the situation and come up with a logical way to handle it. Problems cannot be resolved through anger. Anger only causes more problems, or promotes violence. Anger causes people to do things that they will later regret.
A well thought out plan is always better than a reflex action. I've learned in my forty-one years of marriage, that you have to look past the exterior of a person. In order to reach that person inside, you must know their true needs, and you must cause them to reflect upon those needs. Then you must ask them what they really want in life. This prompts self-evaluation. Their response may not be verbal, but it will show in their future actions toward you.
When you do not respond in anger or violence most people are confused, because they don't know what your next move will be. They don't get the chance to accelerate the situation. Therefore, they don't know what to do next. The old cliché: "You can draw more bees with honey, than vinegar" holds true. Your controlled response throws people off. From that, they see that they cannot manipulate you.