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Divorce doesn't have to destroy your kids

View profile for Christopher Myles
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These are sound guidelines with valuable suggestions to safeguard your children from the negative consequences of divorce. I am a trained Family Mediator and Collaborative Lawyer and can help provide you with help and advice to manage your separation and divorce when children are involved so it is less confrontational and provides solutions for everyone.

These suggestions have been written by Mediator Elinor Robin, PhD and are great advice to share with you to show you how you can make the transition of divorce and the process of family restructuring and rebuilding easier for you and your children if you are divorcing.

1. If you have not done so already, call a truce with your ex-partner. Divorced parents can succeed at co-parenting. That success may not begin with harmony but, at a minimum, a ceasefire is necessary.

2. You are stuck with each other forever. One day, you will be Grandma and Grandpa to the same babies. And when these babies are grown they will repeat the stories that they heard about Grandma and Grandpa. This will be your legacy. How do you want to be depicted?

3. Divorce creates a breakdown of trust and communication. Accept this and work towards rebuilding trust and communication with the other parent, even if it feels like you are doing all of the work. And, be patient, emotional wounds need time to heal.

4. Establish a business relationship with your former spouse. The business is the co-parenting of your children. Business relationships are based on mutual gain. Emotional attachments and expectations don't work in business. Instead, in a successful business communication is up-front and direct, appointments are scheduled, meetings take place, agendas are provided, discussions focus on the business at hand, everyone is polite, formal courtesies are observed, and agreements are explicit, clear, and written. You do not need to like the people you do business with but you do need to put negative feelings aside in order to conduct business. Relating in a business-like way with your former spouse may feel strange and awkward at first so if you catch yourself behaving in an unbusiness-like way, end the conversation and continue the discussion at another time.

5. There are at least two versions to every story. Your child may attempt to slant the facts in a way that gives you what they think you want to hear. So give the other parent the benefit of the doubt when your child reports on extraordinary discipline and/or rewards.

6. Do not suggest possible plans or make arrangements directly with pre-adolescent children. And, always confirm any arrangements you have discussed with an older child with the other parent ASAP.

7. The transition between Mum’s house and Dad's house is often difficult. Be sure to have your children clean, fed, ready to go, and in possession of all of their paraphernalia when its time to make the switch. Better yet, if possible avoid the dreaded switch by structuring your time sharing so that weekends start Friday after school and end with school drop-off on Monday morning if possible.

8. Do not screen calls from the other parent or limit telephone contact between your child and the other parent. Instead, ensure that your child is available to speak to the other parent when s/he is on the telephone.

9. Do not discuss the divorce, finances, or other adult subjects with your children. Likewise, avoid saying anything negative about the other parent and his/her family and friends to your children.

10. Children are always listening - especially when you think they're not. So, avoid discussions regarding the divorce, finances, the other parent, and other adult subjects when your children are within earshot.

Contact myself or a member of the Family Law team at Crombie Wilkinson for help and advice on your personal circumstances. I can be contacted at our York office on 01904 624185. We have offices in York, Selby, Malton and Pickering where you can make an appointment to see a Family Lawyer.

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